08/12/07: Rewind – Part 4: Gurls R Fun…

Bi curious? Hell no, i’m not curious at all.

I KNOW i like it….

My first crush was on a woman and i’ve always been more attracted to the female form than to the male form. Not that i don’t find men physically attractive – but i’d much rather see a fully nude woman dancing on stage than a dangly man dancing.. LOL!

I’m an artist too – i paint, draw, and photograph the female form. I can’t even begin to draw masculine shapes for some reason. LOL!

I didn’t get the chance to really act out my desires for women till i was about 18. That was probably my first real experience with a girl. Prior to that it was nothing more than playful stuff with friends over the years. Her boyfriend was there, but we were young so he didn’t last more than a minute anyway LOL!  Thus, her and i had the chance to tinker around a bit. It was a little fumbly – but we figured it out LOL!

Over the next couple years i had many more experiences – some ok, some great – but none bad (maybe some future stories about some of those).

Then i met my x (we were together for 9 years – ending at the end of 2006 – hmm, ring a bell for ya? That was the beginning of my journey…).  He knew i liked women cause we’d talked about it a lot before we started dating. He seemed pretty cool with it.

Then we started dating.

Apparently he wasn’t so cool with it after all.

See, the ‘girl fun’ wasn’t just a hobby for me. I LIKED it .. A LOT. I craved it. I wanted more of it. I wanted more detailed experiences with it.

But i’d fallen for him. He was my ‘night in shining armour‘. He was too good to be true. He swept me off my feet with his intelligence and life-experience. And – i had three children. I thought NO one would want me. I was used up… i was dirty and tainted. But - there he was… willing to love me.

HA…  please – please - note the heavy dose of sarcasm in that paragraph LOL!

So, there i was, in this unbelievable relationship and i had a choice to make. This amazing, unexpected  ‘love’ versus “getting to play with girls now and then“. I chose the love thing and squashed down my sexuality for the first time- and definitely NOT the last time. I pushed it aside and tried very hard to forget about it. (Obviously i didn’t realize how  important my bisexuality was to my overall sexuality and identity)

I did a pretty good job. Sometimes i’d fantasize about women while masturbating but i never made an overt fuss over it and didn’t complain out loud.

When that relationship ended and i realized i was single, my love for women (along with all the repressed sexuality) bubbled up to the surface.

I wish i cold describe the amount of pressure that built up inside of me at that time. I didn’t realize i’d be suppressing everything so much. I didn’t realize that the lid had been on so tightly over the years.

It’s a good thing i lifted the lid fairly slowly then LOL. Coulda been messy. Ok – it was a little messy…

08/12/04: My second HNT

We were all dressed up and heading out to an anniversary party for a swinger’s club (hmmm.. a hint of posts to come? … there will be lots of goodies to read as i tell you all about my journey … *evil grin*).

I just joined KSL!

Just pointing all of you toward a cool site that i found (AND joined!)

It’s KSL (Kinky Sex Link). In the words of it’s founder (Mystress Lady Evyl), it’s “a collaborative effort made up of the best BDSM and Fetish Bloggers and Authors we could find. So you get to read different kink bloggers on just one site.” 

How awesome of an idea is THAT?? LOL

Check it out! I can’t wait to get in there and get started!

08/12/01 : Rewind – Part 3: Hold it in… don’t let it out.

I was 20-something and visiting my best friend in my home town. My relationship at the time (that 9 year, sexually oppressed one) had already begun to show signs of decay. My partner had started to withdraw and all attempts at communication about sex had failed.  He had no answers as to what was happening (although i NOW know he knew full well why he was pulling away).

My girlfriend had recently had a ’spot of fun’ in her life that she was eager to share with me. See – she had this male friend almost as long as her and i had been friends (which was since our mid-teens) and this male friend had a girlfriend and this girlfriend and he attended clubs that were geared for swingers. The idea of swinging wasn’t foreign to me, but it’s not something i’d ever entertained before. I’d had some experience with women in the past, but my present partner was NOT cool with us sharing our bed with anyone.

So as we sat there having a drink, all kids gone to their grandparents or babysitters – she proceeds to tell me about her ‘adventure’ the weekend before. This friend of hers, and his girlfriend, had taken her to one of these adult clubs (which was TOTALLY out of character for her). She wore something revealing and really got off on the way people watched the three of them interact at the club. There was no sex allowed at the club (this is called an ‘off-premise’ club) but they flirted it up big time and teased the hell out of one another.

Needless to say – the three of them retired to a hotel room that night and most likely made the people in the next room wonder why there seemed to be noises coming from two women…  (k – why have ~I~ never been in a room beside such an occurrence? LOL!)

I’d met this man several times over the years and there was ALWAYS a spark between us. Not the kind of guy i’d want to marry – but there was definitely sexual chemistry. Anyway – he ended up meeting us for coffee that weekend and through the course of the conversation it was made known that i was welcome to have fun with him and his girlfriend pretty much any time.

Hold it in slf…. don’t let it out.

The next time i was visiting there my best friend, this man, and myself went out to a club. There was a lot of flirting but everyone kept their hands to themselves.  Then at the end of the night, the limo came to pick us up (yeah, that SOUNDS glamorous – but her friend drove limo… he was done for the night and came to get us LOL!).  My friend got in first and sat behind the driver’s seat, facing the back seat. Then this fella got into the back seat facing my friend. Then i turned to put myself in the car, ass first.

I feel his hands, then arms, around my waist and i feel myself being pulled into the limo. I’m now sitting on his lap with his arms around my waist, his front against my back, my ass against his lap, facing my friend.  She’s smiling. He’s trying to calm his breathing.

We sat like this for hours. Ok – not hours, but shit…it sure felt like it.

All i had to do was say, “Yes”.

Hold it in… don’t let it out.

All i had to do was beckon her over.

Hold it in… don’t let it out.

All i had to do was turn and kiss him.

Hold it in… don’t let it out.

I slowly lifted myself from him and sat next to him on the seat. We all shared a nervous laugh and the previous joviality came back into play. Thankfully.

A couple weeks later i get an email from his girlfriend and we start talking about stuff – including this possible rendezvous.

I really had to have a heart to heart with myself then.  On the one hand, i wasn’t overly happy in my relationship and sex was down to twice a month and even then my partner was ‘absent’ from the emotional act of sex.

Hold it in… don’t let it out.

On the other hand, i had never cheated on a partner before and i didn’t want to start now.

After a couple nights’ deliberation i sent this woman an email saying something along the lines of, “As much as i would love to meet with the two of you, i can’t do that at this time. I can’t bring myself to have sex, for sex’s sake. I can’t bring myself to cheat.”

I felt very ‘moral’.  Horny as hell, but moral.  I felt like i’d done the right and proper thing.

But, DAMMIT, i was tired of HOLDING IT IN!! I was tired of putting myself SECOND (or third, or fourth, or…).

I tucked my sexuality away again. I held it in. I didn’t let it out.

08/11/27: My first HNT

We’d been at a party – nothing too big – and when we got home, i took off boots and jeans.  Then i thought, “hmmm i’ll put the boots back on… this might be a hot photo op!” LOL

My partner took the photo while standing on the ottoman and i’m so impressed with how it turned out! I can’t wait to take more… :)

08/11/24: Present Day – Quickie

It’s late.  We both have to be up early. We both want sex (as always) so it’ll have to be a quickie.

Um yeah.  In the past – as in past relationships – a ‘quicky’ meant “Bend over the table, shove it in dry (or a little spit) and get-er-dun!”

A quickie in the present – as in with my incredible fiance – means:

I pat dry the areas that i just gave a quick wash to and walk through the hallway toward the bedroom – letting my eyes adjust to the dimness (Yeah – we leave a light on somewhere. Never thought i’d be THAT kind of girl… hah… nor the KIND of girl i am in a hundred different ways right now…). I can just make out his form as he lays on ‘his’ side of the bed. I can see his hand moving as he’s slowly stroking his cock – knowing that i am on my way in the room for the ‘quicky’.

I fumble around in the drawers for the lube. Dammit – it’s in the other bed-side table. SIGH.

We both laugh as i’m searching around for the stuff. When i finally find it, it’s freakin’ empty!  Yeah, that’s my luck sometimes.  But, not to worry dear reader! We had some other lube (i just don’t like it as much).

I place my cold naked body on the bed next to his warm one – trying not to touch him with my ice-cube fingers. We grin at each other with the knowledge of our impending sex.

I lean myself toward the glow of the bathroom light so he can see what i’m doing, then i hold the lube high above my pussy – letting it fall to my clit.  It’s as cold as *I* am! I like it….. lol.  To add to the sensation, i dip my freezing finger down to my clit to spread the slowly warming lube. The chill makes me shiver and we smile at one another again.

He’s still stroking his hardening cock as i lay there ‘warming up the lube’.

Before too long, i reach for the little silver bullet (every woman’s essential!) grinning at him devilishly as i turn it on and flip through the setting until i find the one i want. Once it’s vibrations are rising and falling and stuttering – i slip it between my slippery lips until it hits that sweet spot!

Arching my back a little and turning to watch his face, i moan a little… knowing that he’s loving every minute of my exhibitionism. (He met me early on in my journey, so he recalls the days when i was FAR too shy for something like this. In fact, much of this journey has BEEN with him).

After a minute or two i can feel the blood rushing into my pussy. I know that the slightest touches on my breasts will kick it up a notch. I’m still uncomfortable asking for things but i stuff that timidness back down where it belongs and whisper, “Can i please feel your mouth on my nipple?”

He smiles again (yes – we really do smile that much) and groans his affirmative answer – all the while moving his mouth toward my breast.  I watch as his mouth engulfs my nipple. His facial hair adds a prickly touch to the warm, wet sensations that his mouth gives me.  The combination of the varying vibrations on my clit and his lips, tongue and teeth on my nipple brings me a little closer to my goal.

A few minutes later he tells me, “I know what I want now.”

Breathy, i ask, “Yeah? What’s that?”

“I am going to climb between your legs and slip my cock into you and you will keep teasing your clit while i fuck you.” he says in his oh-so-sexy bedroom voice.

MMmmmmmmm – i’m so happy he said that…

I’m tight as he’s pushing into me (i always get really tight when i’m masturbating). Pretty soon, we have a nice rhythm going. Not too fast (cause it deadens the sensation of the silver bullet and i can’t hold the damn thing in place) and not too slow (cause… well, we don’t like to too slow LOL), but in that perfect rhythm we’ve developed for times like this during our time together and through trial and error (about two strokes per second).

Maybe three minutes goes by and i can feel my orgasm building, and tell him so.

When i finally do cum, i say something like, “Fuck… yessss……. mmmmmmmmmm … i LOVE cumming when you’re fucking me!”

Hearing me talk dirty (is still new to him/for me) sets his orgasm into motion. I can tell he’s getting close so i move the bullet out of the way and lock my legs over his arms as he builds tempo. By the time he cums, he’s pounding into me over and over again…

NOT the average ‘quickie‘ in my books……

08/11/19: Rewind – Part 2: Kinky Inklings

“He approaches her still figure as it lay on the heavily draped bed.. hesitating at her side and watching her bosom rise and fall gently in her deep slumber.  Sensing something amiss in her room, her eyelids being to move before they flutter open.  Through her foggy vision she sees him.  Her first instinct is to scream – but something stops her.  His eyes. They are calm. She knows she should struggle away from him – but his eyes command her to stay put.  Slowly… he leans toward her, placing one hand on the bed beside her to steady himself. She finds herself feeling very relaxed. She WANTS him there. She WANTS him closer. She tips her head back to expose her neck to him… and he moves toward it with his mouth open. A glint of a sharp tooth is seen just before his mouth reaches her tender flesh…”

So, there i am. All of oh… 16, up late and watching television.  Above is a typical scene from any vampire flicks back ‘in the day’. I was captivated. Enthralled. GLUED to the images i saw.

I felt aroused and intrigued.

Why? I didn’t know.

I’m 34 now and i’ve figured it out.  It wasn’t just scenes like this that got me going; it was any of the scenes dealing with control. The head vampire dude had this amazing control over all of his victims and fellow vampires. There was some mysterious, unspoken thing between them.  Especially with his female victims. he could reach out across vast expanses to bend her to his will. She obeyed – and loved it. And when she didn’t… well, his punishment was quick AND severe.

It was all so romantic. Not romantic like flowers and hearts and candy, but romantic like Vampires and velvet and grand notions.  The blood sucking thing did nothing for me… in fact it kinda squicked me. But, the biting thing was kinda hot… (hickeys were all the rage when i was a teen).

Fast Forward to my mid twenties:

Up late (yet again) watching a documentary channel and on pops this one that followed the lives of a master and his slave. I was captivated. Enthralled. GLUED to the images i saw.  Something inside of me stirred. I wasn’t sure what it was, but i felt something familiar. I couldn’t put my finger on it – so i let it be. But my mind kept turning to these images over and over. The BOND they shared. The LOVE they openly showed. The CONTROL he had over her. The GIVING of herself freely that i saw. The pain he inflicted and how she adored it. The devotion…..I couldn’t quite shake it.

Unfortunately, i was in the middle of that 9 year relationship i mentioned in an earlier post. Not exactly the right time to look into what all this might mean for me.  I knew that something was off, even then. But – the first couple years had been so awesome and i was holding onto the idea that things might be that way again some day.

So, i tucked it away. Squished it back down from whence it came.

… but it tickled my mind now and then… i knew i was missing something huge (besides his love) in my life. But i wanted to be fair to our relationship, so i didn’t pursue the ideas in my head – didn’t mention it to a soul.

Over the next several years – i grew fantasies out of the material these movies etc. had given me. I’d let the ideas flow long enough to nurture them, then i’d stuff them back down again.  I knew, instinctively, that if i let them linger too long – i might let them interfere with my life. It had enough of it’s own interference at the time and didn’t need MY help in destructing things LOL.

Fast forward again – to the END of that 9 year relationship… “I was SINGLE!”

… and i had the Internet……..

08/11/18: Rewind – Part 1: Girly Inklings

1 a.m.? That was a normal time for me to go to bed as a teenager. Well, at least on the nights i didn’t have to go to school the next day.  There wasn’t satellite television or Internet like there is now, so to keep myself entertained I’d watch the good old boob-tube (that’s ‘television’ for those who don’t remember or are to young to know that lol).

That meant that i was exposed to a myriad of sitcoms in syndication (I Love Lucy, Gilligan’s Island, Three’s Company, 9 to 5, etc…). But the later the night got, the fewer of these shows were on. This left me with one choice on many nights – that choice was “Black and White Movies”. ~GASP~  We’re talking Marilyn Monroe, Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, Mae West, and so many others that i could take up a page here!

Mae West

The women in these movies were so incredibly different from the ones i was used to seeing on modern television, and from the ones i knew in real life.  They were curvy, dolled-up, and for the most part they oozed sensuality.  Sure, “Jennifer” from WKRP in Cincinnati (1970’s sit com) was a bomb shell… as were so many others, but – they lacked something that the black and white actresses had.

Of course i was too young to quite put my finger on it. They shared in common the curves, the over done make up, the overt sexuality, their allure of the opposite sex. But it was the manner in which these things were displayed that singled out the early actresses from my ‘contemporaries’.

So… there i was, trying to figure out how to be a woman (without knowing that’s what i was doing) when i hear Mae West say, with her fantastic droll, “All ya gotta do is put one foot in front of the otha.” And she did. And the look on the guy’s face made a light bulb go off in my head. I realized that we (women) have a certain amount of power in our sexuality. Of course we have power in MANY ways, but i’m talking about sexuality at the moment lol.

See… Jennifer, Chrissy Snow, and the other 70’s actresses, kinda had to PUSH their sexuality out into the world. But Mae West et. al. oooooozed it. It just seemed to be a part of who they were. Like… having blue eyes or something.

You better believe i was placing one foot in front of the other from that day forward.

08/11/16: Journey Part 1: Single? I’m really SINGLE?

In 2006, at the age of 32, i found that i was single for the first time in eons.  K – that’s a lie. It wasn’t “EONS”  – it was 9 years.

I won’t get into WHY i was single – at least not now. But i’ll tell ya – it was very sudden and very traumatic. I’m saying that at this point because then you’ll understand that it took me a few months to realize that i was single. LOL!  See, life got crazy for those few months – so my brain hadn’t had a chance to deal with particular new piece of info.

Why would being single be such a revelation for me? You ask? (or maybe you didn’t ask – but i’ll tell ya anyway lol). Well, of that 9 year relationship – the last 4 were pretty much sexless. I could count on both hands how many times we had sex in those four years (and i barely even needed the other hand).

If you knew the circumstances – you would understand. You’d also wanna KILL him (or at least do something horrible to him – or for those of you who believe in karma, you’d at least be very happy to see his ‘go around’ hit him). And i say THAT because i don’t want you thinking, “Hmmm, I wonder why her sex life went down the tubes.” or “Hmmm, maybe she didn’t try hard enough” or some such crap.

Trust me – i did everything i knew how. But given the ‘creature’ he was – nothing could help the sexual side of our relationship.

So – i’m sitting there at the computer a couple months later. On Facebook (i’d just joined up) and it was like someone threw a brick at me with the words “YOU’RE SINGLE” written on it. Imagine my surprise!

I was excited about this idea. My BODY was excited about this idea. See – i’m a VERY sexual, sensual, loving person, and that side of me had withered away for so long that i was worried i’d lost it. But at this moment, this ‘brick’ moment – something quivered inside.

I knew that all i had to do was apply a little water to it and it would begin to stir… and grow… and thrive.

“Hmmm… So, from where shall i get this water?” i asked myself.

I looked in the mirror.  There i was. 32. Mother of 3.

I turned this way and that in the mirror – inspecting the ‘goods’. Surveying the scene.

Even though i now knew that the lack of sex hadn’t been my ‘fault‘ – i still had that inkling of self-blame. All those years of thinking it was me – maybe my body had changed too much for him. Maybe i just wasn’t sexy enough for him. Maybe i was.. maybe… maybe….

You know… all that self-desctuctive SHIT that runs around in our heads in such times…

SO, i got dolled up and grabbed my digital camera and started to see if i could capture some of the sensuality that i KNEW was still in there:

I deleted a lot of the photos that i took that evening. But this is one of the ones that i kept. I liked the way it looked. More importantly, I liked the way ~I~ looked. It made me feel pretty – even sexy – for the first time in years. I wondered if i looked this way to other people sometimes? Every time i look at it i am reminded of that period of awakening. This is when things started to bud. This is when long dormant seeds had their first taste of water and began to shoot tentative tendrils out into the world to see what there was to latch onto.

… Little did i know that those tendrils would turn into bean stalk in very short order!

08/11/14: You mean there’s MORE??

This blog is for “mature” audiences.  If you are under the age of 18 – please find another blog to check out ;)

You mean there’s more to life than the ‘usual’?  Hell… sign me up!

I always KNEW there was something MORE out there. I just didn’t know what it was, nor how to access it.

In 2006, an event in my life opened my eyes, my heart, and my soul, to the world.

I was no longer afraid of a broken heart, and i was no longer afraid of living. Thus began my journey in discovering MORE.

This blog details my journey as it pertains to discovering MORE about my own sexuality. The stories and ideas relate to my personal awakening on many levels.

It was like eating the same meals every day. Chicken, rice, and green beans. Then one day, someone comes along and says, “Hey! Have you ever tried salsa?” … and the flood gates opened!

Note: I’ll try to make each new entry interesting on it’s own, but honestly, i’m posting them in an order (for the most part) so you might get more out of it by reading them from earliest date to the most recent date lol.

xoxoxoxox